December 1 I changed my life.

by Yuji Harata

Today is December 1, 2006.
I hate this day because I remember past.

In 1998, World Health Organization decides an anniversary.
I didn't know the anniversary and didn't want to know before I became illness.
I turned on the TV and anchor man explains the great anniversary with red ribbon.
He said
"I want everyone who watched TV know the illness and correct knowledge."
The scene was about 5minutes.
And, he became smile and said
"Next is weather forecast"
I turned off the TV because I am tired of watching hypocritical news.
What does he know the illness?

I have HIV.
I knew the fact I had HIV a years ago, I was 18 years old.
I just thought I caught a cold and went to hospital to get medicines.
But, the doctor was confused and had me wait.
Doctor said
"I recommend please go to bigger hospital."
I said
He said
"You may have HIV."
I couldn't understand what he said but, he gave me medical certificate.
I just had to go to bigger hospital to hear pronouncement which change my life.
A doctor in bigger hospital said what I didn't hear.
"You have possibility that you had HIV."
The doctor continued
"Did you recently do intercourse without wearing condom?"
I became silent and I remember what I recently did.

I was bored everyday and I didn't know what to do and how to get a dream.
I may felt lonely and anxiety.
I just only wanted someone stay me.
So, I made love many times

I told doctor
"Yes. "
I couldn't understand but I cried.

I couldn't tell anyone, of course, my parents and friends because if I said I had a HIV, I thought everyone avoid contacting me.
I didn't want to communicate with my family and I thought neither did they.
But, I have a best friend and I told her my HIV with crying.
I thought she save me and give me great advice.
But, my expectation was difference.
She didn't say anything and became silent.
She said
"I forgot an appointment and I had to go from now."
After the next day, she began to ignore me and my friends all did, too.
I felt loneliness again.
I couldn't trust anybody.

After two weeks, I have to recognize I had HIV and I began to search HIV.
I knew some information.
First, HIV didn't infect easily.
So, when I meet friend and talk silly conversation, my friends didn't infect my HIV.
Why am I ignored by friends?
Second, I knew I must not make love easily and must wear condom.
But, my friends don't know this knowledge, too and school's teacher didn't teach the important.
Of course, if teacher tells us important things, we just laugh.
But, why did just I infect?

The more I know the information, the more my world becomes dark.
I thought the first time I wanted to die.
Although I had experienced many hard and sad things, I had never thought such as because there was hope at the next day.
But, I couldn't float happy things because my friends all ignored me, my family didn't communicate with me, and I was alone.

I was at home everyday and I didn't go out of my room.
My family worried about me, but I didn't say, I didn't want to say.
And then, time passed, it became November.
Happened thing my life changed but I didn't notice in November

Today is December 1, 2006.
After I watched the TV, I go out.
I am going to go to a station where station includes many fashionable shops.
I go to a station by walk about 15 minutes and arrive at the goal but, I saw things which I didn't want.
It is a group who appeal for HIV and they told us the dangerous of HIV, how to the infection of HIV and they told that PLEASE NOT DISCRIMINATE with red ribbon.

I can't allow them to tell about HIV because I thought they just know knowledge of HIV and they didn't know my pain!!!
But, they continue to appeal for not discriminating people who have HIV.
I can't stand them and finally speak to them with crying"

"Did you know the real pain of HIV?"
"Have you experience people who around you ignore you owing to have HIV?"
"Have you considered the meaning of dead and live?"

I dissolved in tears and can't stand up.
Someone in group handed me and said something that I haven't expected.
I can't believe the story so I asked again
"What did you say?"
Someone in group said

"We have HIV or lost family, lover, child for HIV."
"We can understand your pain and feelings!"
"So, we appeal everyone in the world for our pain and feeling!!"

I can't hide my tears and shed tears
I could meet them who can understand my feeling at the first time.
I thought I have to apologize to them because they also have suffering.
I said in a tearful voice.
"I am sorry, I am so sorry...."
A man said
"Ok, don't worry."
"Although you also have suffering, you live."
"You live. Yes, you live."
I didn't know what the man said and I thought I just live.
The man said when I was vacantly.
"It is very difficult to live because human is weak. All people have many worry and human may be defeated by the worry. Although we have HIV, we are living hard. It is great thing."
I couldn't help stopping my tears.
Maybe, I wanted people know my pain.
I reconsider the meaning of living and I may know how to live with HIV.
The man said
"I had lover. She was a beautiful and kind for everyone. I loved her, no, I love her now. But, she was dead a year ago. "
I thought she also had a HIV.

"She killed herself. "

I felt the world stopped.
He continued.

"I though why did she dead. I persecute myself, because I didn't notice her pain. I thought I suicide, too because I couldn't image a life which she isn't. When I was going to dead, I met them."

The man pointed his team and he continued.

"I cried like you. And, I decide to continue to live instead of her. If you can feel this feeling, you have a place as our team's friends."

I nod and I said
"I was afraid of dead and I though anyone can't know my pain."
He also nods.
"My friends ignored me for hiving HIV. I didn't understand why I just only ignore. I hate them and they ignore me."
He nods, again.

"I decided to live alone."
He said
I didn't nod.
"I decided to live with you! Can I?"
He smiled and said
"Sure, you are my friend!"
The word what he said changed my life.
I found a place where I can live.
Although I have a HIV, I can live.
Even if I know I will die, I want to live.
I want to live.
I want.

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