By Natsuki Yasuda
I am a baby and I haven't been named yet. I've been here from seven months and twenty days ago. My umbilical cord connects to my mom and I absorb nutrition from her. How do I feel? Actually here, in my mother's tummy, is not so comfortable because I have to stay here up side down and it is so tight in here that I can't stretch my arms and legs. Moreover I have to be here about three months. How terrible, but, I don't want to trouble my parents; I have no plan to escape from here yet. I can't speak and I can't see but I feel a lot. Every night my mother listens to some music since she learned that babies can hear sound. After listening to music, my dad gives me a kiss, actually to his wife's tummy. My parents were really pleased when they got me because they had struggled to make a baby, well yes, me. What does my mom look like? Is my daddy handsome? Are they kind and understanding? I'm really looking forward to meeting them.
Well, this is a love story of my parents and for the moment they have no idea to have a baby, me, soon.
'Bye, Mom.' This is what I say every morning when I left home to go to school. My mom makes me say this to make sure I go to school every single day. I go to my high- school by bicycle with my friend, Hiro. Why is she late? Is she absent today? I take out my cell phone and check my e-mail on my phone but there is no new one. Incidentally, I look for some daily news on the Internet on the cell phone. Oh!! He's dead. The famous actor died. When I try to see more details, there she is, Hiro's coming. She hurriedly is riding her bicycle. How funny, besides she is screaming.
- I'm sorry, Satsuki!!!!
Oh, please. Don't yell out my name so loud. I put away my cell phone even though I want to know the details. We roll the bicycle and hurry to school.
-Today, your gym class will be canceled and you will have a special class.
What? My gym class is canceled? How could you do that to me!! There is no special class besides gym class for me. What a bad day. But what is a special class? Everybody is wondering what kind of class we will take. As soon as the teacher left the class, Hiro faces toward to me. She is another student who loves the gym class the best and seems to be really sad.
The "special" teacher, Ms. Sawada is coming into our classroom holding a newspaper and some materials. Every student is gazing at the action of the teacher mysteriously. She doesn't say a single word, but is surely preparing for the special class. She suddenly spreads the newspaper in front of his face and say,
-Did somebody know what had happened to him yesterday?h
At once I see the picture of a man on the newspaper, I recognize. That's him. That is the news of famous actor which I watched on the cell phone while I was waiting for Hiro. Will Ms. Sawada talk about him today for the special class? How did he dead? I haven't heard some news of his health lately. Didn't he hold his concert recently?
- Do you know the word of HIV or AIDS? He was died yesterday because of this illness. Some students know the details of HIV and AIDS, but today I'll lecture you about HIV and AIDS deeper.
Ms. Sawada starts talking, however every student already studied about these illnesses in health and physical education class before. I look around and realize everybody look so bored. What about Hiro? She is sleeping. How funny. I guess that she has demined not to listen to this class as revenge for the teachers robbing her favorite class.
- The way he got infected was by having sex with his girlfriend for more than ten years ago. He never used condoms at that time with her and he assumed that his girlfriend was okay. Do you remember that he was chosen as a main character of the HIV antibody testing lately? He naturally took the test and it turned out he was infected by HIV. But it was too late for him to recover from his situation because there was only poor medicine back then. However he didn't stop working as you know. The percentage of infection of HIV is really low than infection to a flu. But, if you pick a wrong choise, there is more possibility to be infected by HIV. How would you do if your boyfriend was not willing to use condoms? Can you say 'No'? Of course it is not only for men's responsibility, but girls also have chance to avoid HIV.
I wonder whether I could say 'No' if the situation which Ms. Sawada was mentioned really happen. If the person infected by HIV, they can have children forever? But Ms. Wood said that one of the patterns of infection is mother to child.
When the chime sounded, my mind completely changed to other thing from HIV. Hiro woke up and takes deep breath. She seems to be had a really nice rest. But, she still is in a bad humor. As soon as the chime ring, every student take out a textbook. I don't understand a moment why they suddenly take a look at the textbook.
-Satsuki? Did you study last night for the test?
- What? What test?
The word 'test' remimd me the 'test'. Test!!!! I totally forgot about the test. Of course I didn't do anything for it. Oh. I wanna go home. Meanwhile, the mathematics teacher holding the test paper is coming into the classroom. Only I could write down with great confidence was my name. Why didn't anybody e-mail me last night? Why did I forget about the test? Like this situation, everybody looks like a genious even Hiro and I feel lonely. Hiro was satisfied with her test and says 'I'm hungry.' She often speaks to nobody but the air and I like it a lots. During the class, Hiro often distracted. Even though a teacher calls her name she doesn't care and I enjoy the situation every time.
I actually interested to the story of the actor, but it has nothing to me. Bacause, I don't have boyfriend now and I have never have sex before. This 'special' class was just one of my classes in my high-school life. If I remember this day later, I would have onoly memory that the teacher took us from a gym class.
My high-school life has passed quieckly and lots of memories croeded in on me; the school festivals, my club activity, hunging out with my friends, and so on and on. Today is the very last day of high-school and we graduated from this school. Every student is crying after having some speechs from our homeroom teacher. I like this class room. My desk is in the back row and I often enjoy watching whole class from my seat. Some sleep, talk with frinds next to them, reading comics, checking cell phones. Besides my best friend, Hiro is smiling alone. Why is she smiling, not crying? She was the student who hate sitting down the chair meekly through classes. Hiro and I often went out after school and had chatting over something stupid. I love this school and my friends here.
- Happy Birthday, Satsuki!!!
Thanks. Today is my 22nd birthday and my friends held the birthday party for me. I love this place; the smell, music, and the owner of the house. When I have something to talk, I came here. I laugh, shout, and cry, I can spread any emotion in here.
- Satsuki!! I heard that you got a boyfriend lately?
Let the girl's talk begin. For this mood, I think I have to talk everything; how we met, the personality of him. They'll ask me more questions which I can't come out with forever. Secretly, I decided not to tell them very important information.
- When I first met him was in the classroom of the very first class of university. We were in the same class and I didn't care about him. I mean he was just one of my class mates. Back then, I wanted to join some club activity to have a full life. However, the level of club team which I was interested in was really high, so I gave up belonging to the club. I was walking around searching other clubs. Then I found a rugby team. The players were really passionate and look manly. I was really attracted by them and my feet were stopped unconsciously. I asked the team supervision and finally I joined the rugby team as a team secretary. The next day, I went to the rugby field and then I found he was playing. Since then, we started talking with each other and three months later, we became boyfriend and girlfriend.
Then I paused. There is no need to tell them more. However, I feel little disconfort in my feeling. Since I was young, it was my personalities that tell everything to my mother. I mean I was not good at hiding my feel. As I expected, my friends ask me many questions like 'How long do you last?' or 'What he is like?' Wow!! How long will this questions continue? Did they prepare for this to ask me questions? But, actually, I feel nice because I tell about my boyfriend and me though the whole time.
One thing I did not tell my friends was about his health. He is healthy and he enjoys playing rugby at the club activity. But he makes it custom to take some medicines. I didn't know about his condition at all untill then.
It was the day after three months later since we became the girlfriend and boyfriend, we had a usual date at his home. We watched TV and just relaxed. His mother often made us a supper. Every after supper, he never fails to take his some pills at that time. Even though he was not sick, he took some medicines. I was wonder what he took, but I could not ask him because I felt that I should not ask him or I was afraid his emotion. That day, I asked him with nerve that why he have been taking pills. My expectation was right. I wanted to take it back if it possible. Briefly he was quiet.
He started speaking. I hope his word would not be 'Good-bye'.
- Satsuki. I have something really important to talk to you. Maybe I had to tell you this before but, I was scared and I didn't want to hurt you. But this is good chance to tell you about me. I cannot live without my pills and I have to take them to my dying day. When I was born, my parents were afraid that I would not inherit the HIV from my mother. I took some test and regrettably I was found out to be a positive, I mean HIV carrier. My parents were really shocked because they tried everything that they could do not to transfer the virus to me.
The HIV? He is HIV carrier. Will he die soon? I didn't know what to say because I did not have any other idea that there is no way for those people to live but die. Then I remember the day of high-school and the actor who was died because of HIV. Silently, tears ran down my cheeks. I was panicked.
- Why are you crying, Satsuki? Don't worry. I won't die bacause of HIV. Now, there are varieties of pills and I found the pill which are adapt to me. The probability of death is really low if I take pills before HIV turning to AIDS.
I only have poor ideas for HIV and AIDS. Still he explained about HIV to me particulary, I could not understand. My sadness was such that he hugged me tight. He starts up his laptop and we serch about HIV together on the Internet. Like he said, informatios said the percantage is very low and it said that there is a way to have baby. I was relieved. I kissed him and said I'm sorry. As long as I could stay with him, I think I would be all right.
- I've got to something important to tell you tonight. About five years have passed since we going together, hasn't it. We have been spending time together whatever happens. I really appreciate your kindness. When I told you about my health, I guess you would left me. But you didn't, rather you still love me. Once I thought that it was good for us to break up because I myself would be a burden to you. But I didn't had have courage to say 'good-bye' to you and before all, I wanted to be together with you. I know you had got panicked when you heard that I am a HIV carrier. Satsuki, why don't you put away your ring on your right hand? I'll give you a new one for your ring finger. Satsuki, would you marry me? Please stay beside of me from now onward.
Oh. I didn't know expect this tonight and my body are shaking. Is it possible for me to become his wife? Can I support him? But I want to stay with him. I cannot think my life without him. He has been support me so far. I want to support him and encourage each other from now on. My reply for his proposal would be like thisc
- Yes. Yes, I love you.
This summer, my boyfriend and I got married. He asked me thousands of time if it's okay with me. Every time he asked me, I got angry. I could understand why he asked me like that. If I were him, I would ask him exactly what he said to me. I am really happy to be with him. However, there is a one thing that I cannot give up; a baby, our baby. Since I was young, it was my dream to have my baby and bring up. But how can I tell him my feeling? Would my hopeness hurt his feeling? Of course there is a possibility that our baby and I would be infected by HIV, but I reserched on the Internet that if I take proper medical treatment, I won't get the virus. Even if I get infected by HIV, I want to have a baby of us. I cannot imagine his response for my desire. What is the best way to tell him my desire? Waiting his return from his work, I practice how to tell him over and over again. I heard the chime rang. My heart is beating fast than ever. Would he understand me? What if he says no? I hope he nod his head with smile.
- Yukihiro. Come here, I've got something to tell you now.
Hah. Here it comes.
- Yuki, I want have our baby.
Finally I said. But why I said like that? I practiced many ways to tell my feeling and there were other utterances which were indirectly. I cannot look his eyes straight.
- Satsuki. If you want have a baby, there will be lots of examinations and you have to take some pills in order not to carry virus. I'm sure it is going to be tough. Can you endure for that?
I nod my head and said,
- Do you agree with me to have our baby?
- Yeah. I want have our child too. I feel as same as you, Satsuki. Actually I was thinking to have our child. But I guessed that you were frightened of HIV.
I burst into tears. He holds me tight in his arms. I cannot imagine that we would become parents. What is it like to become a parent? Oh. I need clothes for my baby. But I don't know him or her yet. One day, I heard that if parents don't know him or her, they buy clothes which color of yellow. Well, I like yellow. How happy to spend money for our child.
I am a baby and I've got my name lately. My name is going to be a 'Sora' which means sky in Japanese. They don't know which gender of mine would be so they named me 'Umi' so as to fit for both boy and girl. I still in my mother's tummy and my room have been narrowing because I am getting bigger. Well, I do like here, in mom's tummy, but I want to see my parents at any rate. They inevitably speak to me every single day, and also they touchd mom's skin with much feeling of desire. They hope strongly that I will not be born with virus.
I still in my mother's tummy and my room have been narrowing because I am getting bigger. Well, I do like here, in mom's tummy, but I want to see my parents at any rate. My parents rejoice at the news. Recently, I've been suffering from flashlight because my parents have been taking pictures of me. I can't see my parents face clearly yet but I can feel them. I love being hold in mom's arms. I love lie by the side of my father.
Hello. I am a baby and I am the happiest baby with the lovely parents the entire world.