Am I A Girl?

By Takuya Nishimura

His sexuality

A Boy was standing alone in front of a white building. When he knocked on the door, it opened. He looked over inside the building because he was worried. I heard footsteps on the stairs, and then stopped. The boy knocked on my room door. "Come in."
A young boy about 13 years old with an anxious face came into my room. My room has only a window with the sunshine coming in, so that boy seems to be an angel with glimmering light falling around his shoulders.
"Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too." The boy answered little weak voice. My first impression for him was that he's similar to me long time ago. He looks like he doesn't have confidence for himself as me past.
"What's your name?"
"My name is Tom; Tom Frank."
"Ok, Tom. My name is Dr. Rock."
"Yes, Dr. Rock. My mother said you can help my problem. I've been suffering from my situation."
And then, he became silent.
"It's good to talk slowly. First I'd like to know about you, so please introduce yourself?"
"Yes Dr. I'm Tom Frank, 13 years old and in Junior high school. There are four in my family, my father, mother, sister and me. I've not gone to school for a half year because it's not fun and I hate my friends. My father often said I have to go to school to learn, but I can't."
"Thank you. Then, can I ask about your problem; I mean real situation."
Tom kept quiet. It reminded me to my past. When I was just 13 years old, I also suffer from my problem. Is he same, indeed?
Then, Tom opened his mouth and started to talk about his problem with a grave voice.
"I'm bullied by boys who are in same class. I don't know why they bully me, but they said I'm ladylike. Moreover, when we play soccer I was always counted out of the member in front of all students."
It brought little tears on his eyes. And my expectation might be proved right. And I kept listening to his story.
"I can be more friendly with girls than boys because I feel comfortable with girls, like I have fun during conversation with girls, and I can agree with their thought. And I liked playing dolls with my sister when I was young. I like girls and boys, but I want to be friendly with boys who have sweet faces. Is it strange and unusual? Usually, men want to be friendly with cute girls, don't they?"
I could understand because I experienced such things.
"Yes, Tom. I understand your problem, and first I want to say it's not unusual."
"Why do you think so? Usually men like women, women like men and they love each other and then get married. It's Mother Nature."
It reminded me my past. I had felt the same thing when I was young, so it touched a chord in me.
"Well, I know what you want to say. I have another patient like you. He is 32 years old. He was bullied when he was in elementary school and junior high school because of his character."
"I've never knew that there were other people besides me."
"He liked men clearly, and he was conscious of his sexuality."
"What's sexuality?"
"He was homosexual, like gay."
Tom kept quiet. He might have been shocked by the word "gay". I know some people can't accept them homosexuality, so I could expect his action easily.
"What's gay?"
"Gay is the word for men who are interested in men physically and mentally. You said it's unusual before, but there are many such people in the world, so it's not strange."
"So, you mean I'm one of such people?"
"Well, I don't know exactly, but it's possible."
" gay."
He dropped his shoulders and bent his head. He seemed to me past. I puzzled about his situation, but I tried to talk again.
"Hey Tom, Please don't feel depressed. Let me tell you more about my patient."
He nodded a little bit.
"Now he accepted to his sexuality, but when he was young like you, he hated his sexuality. First, in his elementary school he was bullied by his classmates. He told me that one day his friend said that if he ignores him, he can get any money, so his friend will ignore him in front of bully, but his friend also said he will talk to him when bully is not around. It disgusted him, but he put up with his friend's action. Moreover almost all his classmates called him a sissy. He hated them, but he didn't know why he was called that. Second, when he watched adult videos, he noticed his problem. Usually men watch women, but he was interested in the men, so he started to think about himself from this time. And then, when he went to the public bath, he was inclined to look at the men's bodies. Because of these unusual actions, he realized that he is gay."
"I agree with him because I experienced similar things, but I thought it was because I'm at an awkward age."
"Yes, it's possible that you are interested in men therefore you are at an awkward age. However, in the case of my patient, he was surely homosexual. Even though he realized his sexuality, he suffered for it because generally, people think homosexuality is kind of a disease, so they connect it with HIV and the image is strange and disgusting. When he started working he was discriminated against by his superior because of his sexuality and he got raw deals. However, he looked for people who are same sexuality, and he got many homosexual friends through the gay bars and billboards. Gradually he had confidence himself, and he knew homosexuality was not unusual."
"I might not be able to accept my sexuality because I'm not strong like him. I don't have a positive mind as he has and if I got raw deals when I entered a company, I might quit my job quickly."
I thought he needed more confidence in himself and more experiences, so I decided to let him come here once a week.
"Tom, can you come here once a week to talk with me? I want to know about you more. And can you talk your situation whenever you please?"
He was considering it, but he probably wants to change, he nodded.
"Ok, today I'll go back home, and I'll come here on next Monday."
"Wait! I want you to promise me something."
"What is it?"
"If you want to get over your problem, try to go back to school."
Tom became silent.
"My patient didn't look the other way; he faced his problem head on. Without facing your problem, you can't get over your problem and get confidence himself."
He kept silent but he opened his mouth.
"Well, I'll try it, but I don't know whether I can do it or not. But I want to change, so I'll try."
From this time, his mind was little changed and he became more thoughtful about his sexuality and how to improve his negative ideas. It might be changed well and Dr. Rock also thought like that.

In love

Even a half year later, Tom was also wondering his problem, but he got a little change; he became fond of his classmate Arts because he had good looking. He accepted himself as a gay reluctantly, so his sexual orientation is pointed to men. Since he has been fond of Arts, he has got a little comfort to go to school. Tom thought that it's enough just to see him by the side of him. From that time, Tom began to play with Arts frequently. Arts was open-minded and had cool face, so he was popular in his school. Through their school life, Arts also became friendly with Tom.
One holiday, Tom and Arts went camping in a lake. Tom was nervous and looking forward to it because it was first time to stay with Arts, and only two. In the camping place, there was a beautiful lake.
"Let's go swimming, Tom!" Arts asked Tom.
Tom was upset because he could see Arts's body, but in fact he was very happy for it.
"Yes, let's go."
They enjoyed swimming around for 3 hours, and they got tired. Tom was very comfortable for the time with Arts. It got dark gradually, so they came out of the lake, and went to the cottage to change their clothes.
After changed clothes, they had barbecue by the lake. It was a like dream for Tom because he has never experienced such happy time with Arts for long time until now. The time as a dream went on quickly. After dinner they went to sleep because they were tired.
In the midnight, Tom got up unexpectedly. There was Arts on his side, and he was sleeping deeply. Suddenly a dirty idea occurred to him, he wanted to touch Arts. He had heart beating, and sweats.
"Don't touch him." He thought, but his impulse to touch was stronger than his conscience. He didn't know how long the time went on, but it got bright gradually out side of the window.
How long he held back from it, Arts woke up.
"Good morning, Tom. How are you?"
Because of the crime consciousness, he couldn't answer well.
"What's up? Do you have bad condition?"
"No." He didn't talk anymore.
Even after came back home, he suffered from Arts. He decided to go to Dr Rock and to talk to him about the occurrence. "Well, so you mean you touched his body, right?"
...I touched softly, but when I did it, I felt deeply sorry to him, so stopped it."
"It's usual to get such impulse, so you don't have to blame yourself. Many homosexual experienced such things. My patient also did like that. However, in your case, there is no permission to touch. I mean if both of them permitted to do it, you can touch him, but if not, you shouldn't touch him."
His crime consciousness didn't disappear.

Broken heart

On the next day, shocking occurrence happened in his school. After he arrived at school, Arts came to him like every day, but he is a little strange. Suddenly Arts said to him.
"I didn't think you are such person. I was called gay because you and I were together. I don't want to play with anymore."
He was in an abyss of grief. It was the most humiliating words for Tom. In a moment, he ran out of the school with tears on his eyes.
"Arts also hated me. I just wanted to stay with him."
From this happening, he became negative gradually. He couldn't get any enthusiasm.
There was a knife in front of him on the desk. He thought it's comfortable to cut himself, so it looked attractive for him.
"Sorry mom, dad and sissy."
He caught a knife and pressed it on his wrist. Lively blood came out by degrees and he lost his consciousness gradually.
"Tom! Get up."
He opened his eyes and Arts was standing by his side. Suddenly he noticed that they were under the tree on the top of the hill. He couldn't understand why they were there.
"What did I do?" Tom asked Arts.
"Why? Today, we came to picnic, but you fell asleep during conversation."
"Really? But don't you want to talk to me?"
"What are you talking about? I don't need to hate you because I love you so much."
Suddenly, Tom was surprised that Arts said he loves Tom. He couldn't understand because he had cut his wrist by the knife, so he ought to be dead, but he was very happy for the situation. They were talking hand in hand as a couple.
"Let's go back our home." Arts said to Tom.
Tom was surprised again because he didn't know they live together. When they went back to their home, they ate dinner and were relaxing at living room watching TV.
Arts was sitting by his side and nestle up to him. Tom thought that there are no happiness more over. Suddenly he heard someone's voice.
"Tom, Tom, come on here."
In a sudden, he got a headache and it was spinning in his brain.
"Stop! please stop it!"
He didn't know how long he passed out, there were his father, mother and sister in front him lying.
"Where is this?"
"When I came back home, you fainted at living room with bleeding. I was amazed at the situation, so I called ambulance and carried you to this hospital." answered his mother.
He assured that he dreamed and he sighed.
"What the matter Tom? Why did you cut your wrist?" His father asked Tom, but he answered nothing.
Ultimately, he attempted suicide, but made a mistake.

Toward hopeful life

A few months later, Tom became fine by degrees, and he could discharge from the hospital. He thought he hasn't seen Dr. Rock for a long time, so he decided to go to him. Through the street, he could watch white building and it reminded him the first time to come. When the first time, he worried about his problem and he didn't have any confidence to himself. Although he has a little confidence, he got over happening with Arts and he could face his problem now.
"Long time no see, Dr. Rock."
He looked something changed. I worried about him because I didn't see him for a long time, but he might be changed by himself.
"How are you doing?"
"I'm so-so because I experienced a lot of things, but I found that I am only one and I have to live as I am."
I noticed that he had a cut mark on his wrist, so I could expect the lots of things easily. I realized that time which I have to talk about myself to come.
"Tom, Listen to myself carefully. Do you remember my patient's story?"
"Yes I do. He was also homosexual, right?" "There are many kinds of people in this world like homosexual, lesbian and bisexual, so you don't need to shame your sexuality. And I think it's not related to gender I mean it's kind of character. Straight people are also having different characters, right? So it's just same as one's character. And I have also special character."
"What is it?""
"You know, I'm also homosexual."
He looked that he was surprised about the fact.
"So maybe your patient's story was your story?"
"Exactly, yes."
When he heard my truth, he was interested me, I mean he got person who is same sexuality. I told my story when I was young, and he became more positive thinking about himself.
"I want to be a man who can help people suffer from same problem in my future, like you Dr. Rock."
I'm anticipating him becoming such great person in the future.

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