I Want to Give Birth

by Mira

I want to give birth.

I want to give birth to my child.

I want to give birth to my dear's child.

I lost my dear three months ago.

I was so sad.
I was too sad to do anything.
I was always in my room.

I felt bad and felt like throwing up.

One day, my sister couldn't stand to see me throwing up so painfully, so she took me to the hospital to see a doctor.

"You are in your third month of pregnancy." said the doctor.
"You are pregnant."
What? Whose child?? Third month of pregnancy...Really??

I wondered whose child it was because I'd had sex with several guys to escape from significant sadness. My boyfriend was killed in a car accident. We were going to marry 2 weeks after the terrible accident. I was going to a family with the person who was dearest to me in life, but I couldn't. So, I looked for another guy who would take away my sadness and put satisfaction in that space. I believed it was the best way to forget him. It ended up that I could find any guy like that, though.

I started to do that only 2 months ago. What does it mean? This child is does not belong to any of those guys who I met in the last 2 months. This child is his child. My boyfriend who died 3 months ago. My dear love's child.

"Are you going to give birth?"
"Can I?"
"You don't have any reason why you cannot give birth?"
"No! No! I don't have any reason why I cannot give birth."

My sister was surprised and disagreed with this birth at first. I lost my partner and I had no partner to help me take care of this child together. However, she agreed because she could see my change. I had hope now. His last present is here, in myself.

I felt bad.
I had bad feeling.
I am happy, am I not?

Never stopped my bad feeling. Still throwing up painfully. I thought I felt bad because I was pregnant. It was just morning sickness. I was in the fourth month of pregnancy. Morning sickness should have stopped. But, I never felt it stop. When I saw a doctor to get my health check for the fourth month pregnancy, the doctor said, "You should take a more detailed health check." I was admitted to the hospital and had a more detailed health check.

"Do you feel bad recently?"
"It began 2 months ago. Maybe it is morning sickness, I think."
"Yes. At first, it might be morning sickness...but, this time maybe no."
"Had a cold?"
"Maybe, no."
What else? What does this doctor want to say?
"We took a blood test, and we found HIV from the data."
Whose data?
"You have HIV."

I am ignored.
People around me go away suddenly.
What did I do to them?

One day, I found myself lonely. I had no friends to eat lunch together with. I had no friends to go shopping together. I had no friends to talk together. I have had a lot of friends to do a lot of things together, but it was only up until that day. Suddenly, my friends went away from me. I didn't find any reason except I had HIV. Why did I find the reason? Because they gazed at me, whispering, "Be careful of that HIV girl."

Also my sister, who was agreed with my having a child, disagreed with my giving birth when she heard I had HIV. Also my mother, my father.

Everyone around me suddenly changed their attitude to me at all, such as up side down. They were not friendly or familiar with me any more. They treated me as a strange harmful animal. What did I do to them? I didn't think to try to harm them, too.

God sake.
God sake.
I have a friend, a real friend.
Before I had HIV, I'd thought I had friends. However, they were not my friends actually. If they were real my friends, why suddenly would they go away from me and talk against me behind my back? I met one girl. She was my first real friend. I meet her internet site related to HIV at first. I found a comment, "I gave birth, I had HIV though." on the page. It was her.

"You have HIV, but did you have your child?" I send a message to her.
She answered in few minutes later.

"Yes. Can I help you? "

My tears fell down on my cheek. It was the word I wanted. She did not ignore me. I was not lonely from that moment.
"I am pregnant, but I have HIV."
So? She doesn't say "That's too bad." or "Give up.".

I want to give birth.
I cannot kill my treasure.
I will raise my child as a good person.
I promise.
I can, because my dear always supports me from sky.

She told me the various ways to give a birth with avoiding mother-to child transmission. Today, the way to care HIV was developed much. She showed a data only one baby getting HIV from mother, but 193 babies did not. And told me, if I took proper cure as soon as possible, my child would not get HIV. After birth, if I used baby formula, I could avoid HIV transmission, too. Moreover, she introduced good doctor who was her doctor's friend, so I could trust my doctor and never give up giving a birth because I am not alone anymore.

I told a lot with my family and succeed to persuade my giving birth. I know most difficult time would come after giving birth, when growing my child. Even if I give non-HIV child, it did not mean my goal or success. Just start. I would grow up my child who was nice to everyone without discrimination, who could work for others, not only oneself, who think about others with warm heart, who could help poor people, who could try to understand other's feeling always, who could love people.

So, I decided my child name, when I was told my child was a girl. Future means Mirai in Japanese. I thought future was not decided preliminarily. We could make our future with ourselves. If we would spend happy or sad is depend on ourselves. So, I cut the last "i" of Mirai.

She is my hope.
She will be everyone's hope.
With a wish like that, she was named MIRA.

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